How to Touch a Girl
by Anna J. Perley
Summary: Spencer Reid has a lot to learn about girls and romantic-relationships, but what happens when the agents of the BAU decide to help their resident genius learn all that he needs to know? Will helping him learn all about love and relationships really be worth it, or will Spencer end up just as clueless as when they began? ***Am taking ideas and suggestions for future chapters!


**A/N: This will be much like my "Uncle Spence" series, only this'll be on the fellow agents of the BAU trying to teach Spencer " _How to Touch a Girl"._ Like the "Uncle Spence" story, I am also taking suggestions or ideas, so please put them in the reviews! I will be sure acknowledge you in the next chapters! Thank you!**

 *****Disclaimer- I do not own any of the products, brands, quotes, the Twilight Saga and it's movies, the song "How to Touch a Girl", or the show "Criminal Minds" itself. All credit goes to their rightful owner(s).**

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 _'' Do you know how to touch a girl?''- Jojo, 'How to Touch a Girl'_

Spencer Reid set the book he had been reading for the past 5 minutes back down on his smooth wooden desk in the bullpen of the Behavioral Analysis Unit. He had been reading the last book of the Twilight Saga and honestly had no idea why girls (and guys) had fangirled over the series the year the books had sky-rocketed and were popular world wide, not that they still weren't now.

He just didn't exactly know why the concept of a mysterious high schooler who was awfully rude to the new girl, only for the girl to find out that he was a vampire who was strangely attracted to her, captivated the hearts of many people and made it such a popular book.

Wouldn't people rather read Scientific Theories and Mathematical Formulas instead? He didn't exactly understand why readers world-wide found the Twilight-Saga so interesting.

Shaking his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose, Spencer leaned into his chair and watched as his colleagues rushed to get all of their paperwork done.

About twenty minutes later, Spencer still sat in his chair, looking down at the Twilight books staring up at him from his desk. He raised his head at the flash of neon colors and sparkles at the corner of his eye.

Seeing Penelope move here way towards his desk, Spencer tried to hide the books somewhere where Penelope wouldn't notice them. Unfortunately for him, Penelope had spotted the books before he could properly hide them, and seemingly found interest in why their resident genius decided to actually read the books.

Penelope skipped towards Spencer's desk and grabbed the book from where it was resting on his lap, moving it towards her face as she observed it's hard cover.

She looked at Spencer, a confused look etched on her face. "Now when did the wonderful Dr. Spencer Reid actually consider reading the Twilight series, and most importantly, why?"

Spencer shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to see why other readers all over the world made such a fuss about the books and movies when they came out.

Garcia tilted her head. "Really now? Well what did you think about it?"

"Honestly, I have no idea why people all over the world like it so much. The love story just doesn't make sense. What's so great about a human girl falling in love with a vampire, only for her to become a vampire herself later on? Where is the logic in that?"

Garcia shook her head and covered her eyes with her hand. "Only you, Spencer. Only you." She set her files down and sat on top of Spencer's desk. "Spencer, what isn't romantic about a human girl falling in love with a vampire. It's a forbidden love, Spencer. _Forbidden_!"

" _So_?"

" _So_ it makes the story all the more romantic!"

Spencer looked up at Garcia. "Okay, but if you remember the first book, Edward was an absolute jerk to Bella."

"Yes, but that was towards the beginning. Did you really read all of the books? _You should know this by now."_

"Yes, of course I did. I just…how did this manage to captivate the hearts of readers? Especially the girls. It's just so confusing. Honestly, I don't think that I'll ever understand it. And it's not every day I say something like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the first time I have." Spencer said.

"Well then Spencer, what exactly is it that you don't understand?" Penelope asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. _Everything?_ "

She shook her head. "Alright then, Spencer. You know what? I think I'll just start with the basics."

Penelope paused to think about something, looking up at the ceiling for about a beat before looking back at Spencer. "Okay, Spencer. Let me ask you this. _Do you know how to touch a girl?"_

Spencer looked at Penelope in confusion. "What?"

" _Do you know how to touch a girl?"_

"I-I don't know. Maybe.."

Apparently, the pair's conversation struck interest Prentiss and Morgan, because sure enough, Derek began making his way towards Reid's desk while Prentiss joined the conversation from her's.

"So what are you guys talking about here?" Prentiss asked. "It seems to me that you're giving our little boy-genius some advice on girls, am I right Garcia?"

Garcia shook her head. "Oh no, no, my sugary sweets. I simply asked him if he knew how to touch a girl. It appears to me that he doesn't though."

Spencer looked at everyone hurriedly. "No, no! I never said that _! I just meant tha-"_

"My man!" Morgan interrupted. "How do you not know how to touch a girl?" He asked.

Their little quarrel attracted JJ's attention as well, as she started walking towards them to join their conversation. "So what is this I hear about how to touch a girl?"

"Oh, well apparently Spencer here doesn't know how to." Emily said.

"Spence, you don't know how to touch a girl?" JJ asked.

Spencer shook his head and began to gather his stuff, obviously embarrassed.

Morgan spoke next. "Yeah, Reid. It's awfully easy. First, you gotta _go for her a_ -"

" _NO_!" The three women yelled out loud.

Penelope ran towards where Reid stood on the other side of the desk, covering his ears with her hands. Spencer looked at them in confusion. "Don't say such things, Derek. Our baby boy's ears are _still virgin_!"

Emily leaned into her seat as she crossed her arms. "Yeah, Morgan. Don't say such things. Our baby boy's ears are still-"

" _Shut up, Prentiss._ "

"Children, children. Not in the bullpen." JJ scolded in her usual motherly way, a hint of humor and playfulness in her voice.

"Sorry, ma." The two of them said, shaking their heads as they chuckled.

Spencer looked at his 3 friends, his eye brows raised. "I hope you guys know I can hear you."

"Right, right. Sorry." Penelope said, removing her hands from Spencer's ears and taking her old spot on the desk. "Anyways my little G-man, not to mention my dear chocolate fountain as well" Penelope said, making sure to acknowledge Derek as well, "That's not what I meant."

Penelope cleared her throat before speaking. "When I said _'Do you know how to touch a girl?'_ , it didn't actually mean ' _Do you know how to touch a girl_ ' ". She looked at Derek and Spencer, wondering if they understood what she meant.

Apparently, they didn't.

JJ spoke up from where she was standing. "Spence, she doesn't mean physically touch. She means _'touch_ ' as in the feeling you get when someone _"touches"_ you. You know…like when someone says _'You touched my heart_ '. That kind of touch."

The two men nodded, finally understanding. Figuring that his 3 friends wouldn't be letting him go anytime soon, Spencer decided to sit back down in his chair .

"So now that you know what I meant, Spencer, let me ask again. _Do you know how to touch a girl?_ " Penelope asked once more.

"Uh, I think." He responded.

"You think? _You think?!_ God, Spencer. You really are clueless." Prentiss said, shaking her head.

"Exactly!" Garcia exclaimed, clapping her hand. She lowered down her voice when she realized that she was beginning to attract attention from everyone else inside of the room.

"Okay, Spencer. Let's start with this. What do you think touches a girl?" JJ asked.

"I don't know. When you buy them chocolates and flowers?" He responded.

The women shook their heads at how clueless their resident genius was. "No, Spencer. That's too cliché. Plus, chocolate gives most girls diarrhea. Take it from me, Spencer. Don't you ever get girls chocolates." Prentiss said.

Garcia raised her hand looking back at JJ, Morgan, and Spencer. "Uh, Emily. I've never gotten diarrhea from eating chocolates."

"Same here." JJ agreed.

"Well good for you. That's one less problem for you and your pretty little lives. I get diarrhea even when I eat freakin chocolate bar. Even a single piece of a Hershey's bar would be enough to set a ticking time bomb. And trust me, you do not want to be there when it explodes." Prentiss chuckled slightly to herself, looking back up at her friend's disturbed expressions. "You know what, just forget everything that I said."

"Will do." Spencer said under his breath.

"Anyways…" Penelope said, trying to get them back on topic. "You better get comfortable, boy-genius. You won't be leaving until you know everything you need to know. And there are a heck of a lot of things that you have yet to learn. Trust me. Now I want your ears open and mind fresh and clear, because _here is just one example of the many ways a guy could touch a girl…"_

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 **A/N: Please let me know how I'm doing. If you've got any ideas or suggestions, please put them in the reviews. Thank you!**


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